Not even my mama calls me out like you do.

A girl I was thick as thieves with in middle and high school recently contacted me over the Facebook. For the sake of anonymity we'll call her Shawna.

Shawna was one of those friends that girls have before they've "found" themselves. You know the kind. Bossy, domineering, manipulative, tells you what to do and who you can hang out with. Completely runs the show. I don't know why I tolerated/needed this sort of relationship as a girl (in adulthood I am very much more a leader than a follower). Maybe I was just desperate for friends. But I do know that I'm not the only one who had a girl friend who acted like an abusive boyfriend, except without the "let me just put the head in"-type talk.

She dictated where we went, who we went with, and how we got there. She did not approve of any of my other friends, although she was allowed to bring new people into the fold. I was not allowed to disagree with her about anything. She considered different viewpoints dealbreakers and I quickly learned to keep my opinions to myself unless they conformed to hers. I was not allowed to listen to hip-hop in her presence because anything played by KUBE 93 was made for and by idiots. I did learn to like a lot of indie and grunge music, but my heart was never really in it. When I got a couple of new close girlfriends in high school it put a strain on the friendship. One day, she dropped in unexpectedly at my apartment (yes I had an apartment in high school but that's a story for another day) while Lara was over there, and I did my best to keep Shawna out of the room where she was sitting. Shawna, like a suspicious lover, sensed that something was amiss and sought out the interloper. When she saw that I'd been "cheating" on her, she left abruptly, saying, "Oh. I see how it is." She walked out the door, concluding the friendship, five years of almost constant companionship over in an instant.

Fast forward ten years. This girl finds me on the Facebook, and starts claiming that she'd missed me, had wanted me to be in her wedding, had been looking for me, etc. I found it a little weird because she also let it slip that she'd known where I worked for three years, a shop in the very very public Pike Place Market... she could have come and said wassup at any point... but didn't. I digress. So we were chatting and that, catching up, and she starts asking questions:

--So do you listen to rock anymore?

--Not so much... I'm really into [insert hip hop artist here] at the moment.

--That is so sad, I thought I had converted you!

--No, it's not sad, it's fucking awesome, and judging people because of their music preferences is bullshit. I don't have time for that mess.

That put a hitch in her giddyup.

I became a fan of gay marriage on the Facebook, and a couple of days later (completely coincidentally) cut my hair in a dykey fashion and posted pictures of it in an album entitled "Super Gay Haircut", and set my status to "Odessa ______ cut her hair and now just looks g-a-y."

Shawna comes around talking about, "I find it funny that you are a fan of gay marriage, but are using the word gay in a derogatory manner. Old habits die hard, huh?" <-- this, on my wall for everyone to see.

I ripped her a new one for that. You're not going to call me out for being a hypocrite after I haven't seen hide nor hair of you in 10 years and you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. I am more empathetic towards gays than most people are toward themselves but you wouldn't know anything about it because I don't know you anymore. It's really just not going to go down like that.

Time and again I come into contact with people who want to call you out in front of other people for some ole bullshit. Why is that? What are you trying to achieve?
"You're so competitive."
"You always do _______, don't you?"
"Really? I've never seen you do ______" <--because you're with me 24/7, right?
"You really don't like so-and-so, do you?" <-- I am allowed to not believe everyone is a fucking saint. You can fake that funk if you want to.
"Everything for you is black and white."
"You're one of those people who.... [insert brainless generalization here]"
"But you would think that, because you come from America." or "You're really patriotic, aren't you?"
"You don't want any more? It's because you're trying to lose weight, isn't it."

I wish I had the audacity to say every little thing than came into my stupid empty head. Instead, I blog about it ;) but seriously, why is it always people who don't know you very well who think they are experts on You and want to call you out using absolutist terms like "always" and "never"? Who claim that you are "one of those people who"? Who end their accusations with "don't you?" and "aren't you?" as if you're just gonna go, "awww, you got me. I really do kick puppies, you're right." I find it the rudest, most ignorant thing EVAR.

For example, if I'm sitting with someone who is a nervous and neurotic mess, the last thing I'm going to say is "wow, you look really uncomfortable right now." Or if I'm with someone who is overweight and refusing unnecessary food, I'm not going to poke a finger into their belly roll and go "it's because of that, isn't it?" What would give me the right?

I think everyone should pipe down and keep it to himself when it comes to dissecting the motives and agendas of other people, because most of the time you're wrong, and the rest of the time you're just being a presumptuous dick. Next time I get called out I should just be like, "Wow, you're really miserable in your own life, aren't you? You're one of those people who always have to tell other people about themselves in order to direct attention away from the fact that you're a hot ass mess... aren't you?"