(Left: The face of nosy. This guy was staring over my shoulder at what I was doing with my camera for so long that I decided to immortalize him in the act. Nosy muhfucka.)

My friend Nichole is the first and only person I've ever known who admits she has a "staring problem". Sometimes we'd be on the bus or at a bar and I'd go, "why are you staring so hard at that guy... he's going to notice." And she'd be like, "Yeah I know, I have a staring problem." And just keep staring.

Myself, I'm a self-professed nosy muhfucka. That means: I want to be in your business, to the point of cupping my hand against the wall to listen to your conversation, but I don't want you to realize it.

There's nothing wrong with being nosy. In journalistic circles they might even call my preoccupation with jumping in other people's Kool-Aid "inquisitiveness". Which is actually bullshit because it's not like I'm writing a book about their business or anything, like a cop asked me once:

I was downtown, on my way to work, when I saw the cops harrassing an old black dude chillin in the doorway of a closed Rite-Aid. I stopped because I have seen the cops take black people into deserted areas for questionable reasons and I wanted them to know that I'd seen and noted the names of all of the officers present. One of them told me to keep it pushing and I told him that my tax dollars paved this street and paid his salary so I could stand there as long as I wanted, thank you very much. He asked snarkily if I were writing a book or something so I replied "yes" and he goes, "Well pull out your pencil and paper then! What kind of writer are you, with no pencil and paper? Bahahahahaha" so I kind of slunk away in shame, but I gave the old black dude the knowing-eye and retained the names of those shithead cops in my mind.

But if you don't want anyone watching or listening to what you're doing, it's a good idea not to do it in public. It's funny to me when people get mad that you stopped to check out the spectacle. I had a girl once come up to me at work in Pike Place Market, mad that I was laughing to other people about an argument she had had in the middle of the street wherein she overturned a stinky fish tub on a fish guy and cussed him out. She threatened to come to my house, get me fired, call the wrath of Apollo upon me, etc. I was like, "You are making an asshole of yourself in literally in the most public part of the city. Get over it."

Or this guy, who got mad when I took a picture of him pissing in the middle of the sidewalk. He told me that taking pictures of him was verboten, I told him that public urination in the middle of a street festival was verboten, he grabbed me by the shoulder and attempted to drag me off to the police, holy fuck was he drunk.

I listen to my neighbor fighting with his girlfriend, partly because it's too much drama to just let go, partly because they are screaming at the top of their lungs, partly because I want to make sure he's not beating her, and mostly out of revenge for the fact that they have hours-long sex sessions and I don't get a choice about whether I have to hear that. So sometimes I open my door and put my ear out into the hallway where it's easier to listen in.

This guy with the stupid hair made the fatal mistake of being too damn nosy. He should take a lesson from me. You see, while I am helplessly addicted to getting in yo bidness, I make sure to be discreet. I was checking out this guys idiotic hair from behind, but when he kept turning to check me out, I would avert my eyes. At some point it got old because he kept staring and if there's one thing that drives me nuts, it's being stared at. You see all the nice orderly people in the line minding their business, or maybe checking out the person in front of them on the sly, well this dude had to turn around 180° to see what the fuck I was doing. I had decided to take a picture of him from behind when he gave me the perfect opportunity to take his picture from the front; here he is pictured trying to get out of the photo. You see Mr Greenhorn you have much to learn about the art of nosiness. Now you are on the internet. Muahahahahahaha.

So, a word to the wise: pay attention to everything and everyone, because other people's business is usually more interesting/worthy of ridicule/shamelessly debauched than yours, but don't get caught doing it, because God forbid they should actually feel some embarrassment and start making a habit of just picking their noses/scratching their balls/screaming on their cell phones/beating their children/masturbating at home. Good thing Nichole doesn't have a camera.