Germans, and German men in particular, are probably the cheapest (and rudest) breed of human being ever known to man. My boyfriend is even cheaper than my father, and that is speaking volumes. My man will scrimp 5 cents here and 20 cents there to take home a more inexpensive, but usually inferior product from the store--and then wonder how he wound up with such a worthless piece of crap. On the extremely rare occasion that we get to go to dinner, I tremble when the bill comes, because I know a huge heaping helping of cheap is about to be served up to the waiter, unless I proactively intervene and prevent this cringe-worthy disaster.
As a kid in a single-child, single-parent household, we went out to eat A LOT. I had been well-versed in the practices and norms of restaurant dining before starting first grade. Eating out really isn't that difficult, but even seasoned veterans like my own mother slip up sometimes. There are a only a couple of basic rules of thumb, but if you break any of them, it is likely that I will never willingly sit down to a meal with you again. Here are some of my ground rules, adapted both for the West Coast of the United States and for Berlin, starting from the moment you walk in the door:
In the Super-Cool, Laid-Back Northwest
1. If you don't like the table to which your server is leading you, alert them to that fact before you sit down and get water and silverware and that. Don't sit down and then whine and point to the table by the window after you've already eaten half the chips and salsa and gotten smudge marks all over everything. Now the server has had to unnecessarily set up TWO tables for your party. Time is money.
2. Never. Ever. Argue with the server. If you want a substitution and he can't do it, or to do it will cost you extra, don't fucking set up a picket line in front of the restaurant until the manager comes. You are not in any way special to this person. He has just informed you of the restaurant's policy. If you truly believe you have been discriminated against or something, then discreetly ask to speak to the manager, and don't make him come to your table. Go speak to him somewhere privately and prevent putting him, your dining companions, your server, and yourself on display for the rest of the restaurant to gawk at.
3. If you don't like your food because something is wrong with it (cooked improperly, shard of glass found, isn't what you ordered, is too spicy) then send it back after you've taken A BITE OR TWO and decided it is unsatisfactory. If you don't like your food because you think the beans came out of a can (and the menu doesn't promise fresh beans) then suck it up. Either choke it down, trade with someone at the table who doesn't believe they are the Queen of Fucking England, or quietly set it aside. Who knows, the server might even ask you why you're not eating it, and maybe if you tell him, he will get something else for you. You may not send back the food because it doesn't conform to your unrealistically high standards, especially if you're at a $10 a plate establishment--if you know exactly how you want your food, and are unwilling to settle for anything less/different, then you should stay at home and cook the meal yourself (what I often do for this very reason). You may not eat half, most, or all of it, and then decide you would like to have it for free. The point is not whether it can be sold again. The point is whether your complaint is genuine, or whether you just like to take advantage of sycophantic General Managers who will comp in a heartbeat just to shut you up.
4. Tip. If the service is bad, tip 5 - 10%. If the service was average, tip 10 - 15%. If the service was good, tip 15 - 20%. If you want to bang the waiter or convince him that you are a stalker, tip 20 - 25%. I know the temptation to overtip can be strong, but seriously you just wind up looking like a kissass or a groupie. Unless it's his birthday/you can see he's stressed out but still doing a fantastic job/it's Christmas then 20% is probably the most you should tip. Not tipping is not an option, unless you were verbally insulted and found AIDS in your soup. "Funny" tipping, like tipping all in nickels, or leaving ten rolls of pennies, or just leaving a dime to show how displeased you were with the service, is something that no one over the age of 14 does. Ever.
In Über-Cool, Entspannende Berlin
1. Seat yourself. It doesn't matter where you sit. No one will tell you where to sit, and no one cares where you pick, unless they'd been using that table to take their breaks at (the staff's comfort will ALWAYS come before yours).
2. Wait for up to half an hour for someone to come talk to you. It is not acceptable to become upset about the wait. It is über uncool and the people you are with will look at you as if you had complained about spots on the stemware or the silver being improperly polished (completely bourgeouis behavior and never tolerated by anyone, ever).
3. When the server comes, nine times out of ten, she will be a complete bitch, will not know anything that is not written on the menu, and will act like you are wasting her time, even and especially if the place is empty. She will forget at least three things and you will have to go up to the counter/bar area, ask for it, wait for it, and bring it back yourself. The server will not express any remorse about this.
4. If you don't like the food, tough. I once waited an hour and a half for a dish to arrive at my table cold. Our server had been, for the past hour, flirting with old guys for tips and making sure they were comfortable--going so far as lugging around heating towers and leaning over their table a lot--while completely ignoring us. I KNEW that the food would be cold when it got to our table--it was painfully obvious that she was fucking around and not doing her job. When the food arrived, I didn't even take a bite out of it; I stuck a finger in the middle of it and told the server I wouldn't be paying for cold food and that she could take it back. She demanded that I "speak to her in a different way" because I was evidently being disrespectful about paying for ice-cold food. My dining companion was mortified. The girl DID NOT comp the dish or offer to bring me another one. We ACTUALLY PAID for the appetizer and drinks we'd had while waiting a full 90 minutes for our food. The girl however was in tears and her co-workers looked at us as if we had beaten her across the face with the cold meal. Moral of the story: if you don't like what you got--tough.
5. At the end of the meal, if you have any jingly change left over, you may leave it as a tip. For example, if your bill was €38.42, you may leave the .58 as a tip, and the server will actually thank you. On the other hand, if you do not choose to leave this .58, then you are a dick and the server's eyes will shoot nuclear bombs in your general direction. On the third hand, if you come from a tipping country, like I do, and tip say, six bucks on a €38 tab (unheard of in these parts) the server will take you to be the fool you are and sort of shrug off your existence, maybe feel a little sorry for you. Do not expect any gross displays of gratitude. Although these people make €5 an hour and depend on their tips as does any server anywhere, acting grateful goes against their beliefs and you may also be unfavorably marked as a groupie. Stick to tipping €3 or under, even if your bill is in the thousands of Euros. Rewarding good service is an alien concept here and disregarded as just more clueless, touristy behavior.
6. If you are unhappy with your dining experience, you must remember that you--in all probability--got what you paid for.
I used to cook a few times a month when I lived in Seattle because going out was such a pleasant experience and way of life. So in a way, Berlin's horrible, HORRIBLE restaurant scene has been beneficial to my life, because I cook literally every day now. I've learned tons of new dishes and am a whiz at serving and cleaning.
Too bad no one bothers to tip me for the effort.
1. Seat yourself. It doesn't matter where you sit. No one will tell you where to sit, and no one cares where you pick, unless they'd been using that table to take their breaks at (the staff's comfort will ALWAYS come before yours).
2. Wait for up to half an hour for someone to come talk to you. It is not acceptable to become upset about the wait. It is über uncool and the people you are with will look at you as if you had complained about spots on the stemware or the silver being improperly polished (completely bourgeouis behavior and never tolerated by anyone, ever).
3. When the server comes, nine times out of ten, she will be a complete bitch, will not know anything that is not written on the menu, and will act like you are wasting her time, even and especially if the place is empty. She will forget at least three things and you will have to go up to the counter/bar area, ask for it, wait for it, and bring it back yourself. The server will not express any remorse about this.
4. If you don't like the food, tough. I once waited an hour and a half for a dish to arrive at my table cold. Our server had been, for the past hour, flirting with old guys for tips and making sure they were comfortable--going so far as lugging around heating towers and leaning over their table a lot--while completely ignoring us. I KNEW that the food would be cold when it got to our table--it was painfully obvious that she was fucking around and not doing her job. When the food arrived, I didn't even take a bite out of it; I stuck a finger in the middle of it and told the server I wouldn't be paying for cold food and that she could take it back. She demanded that I "speak to her in a different way" because I was evidently being disrespectful about paying for ice-cold food. My dining companion was mortified. The girl DID NOT comp the dish or offer to bring me another one. We ACTUALLY PAID for the appetizer and drinks we'd had while waiting a full 90 minutes for our food. The girl however was in tears and her co-workers looked at us as if we had beaten her across the face with the cold meal. Moral of the story: if you don't like what you got--tough.
5. At the end of the meal, if you have any jingly change left over, you may leave it as a tip. For example, if your bill was €38.42, you may leave the .58 as a tip, and the server will actually thank you. On the other hand, if you do not choose to leave this .58, then you are a dick and the server's eyes will shoot nuclear bombs in your general direction. On the third hand, if you come from a tipping country, like I do, and tip say, six bucks on a €38 tab (unheard of in these parts) the server will take you to be the fool you are and sort of shrug off your existence, maybe feel a little sorry for you. Do not expect any gross displays of gratitude. Although these people make €5 an hour and depend on their tips as does any server anywhere, acting grateful goes against their beliefs and you may also be unfavorably marked as a groupie. Stick to tipping €3 or under, even if your bill is in the thousands of Euros. Rewarding good service is an alien concept here and disregarded as just more clueless, touristy behavior.
6. If you are unhappy with your dining experience, you must remember that you--in all probability--got what you paid for.
I used to cook a few times a month when I lived in Seattle because going out was such a pleasant experience and way of life. So in a way, Berlin's horrible, HORRIBLE restaurant scene has been beneficial to my life, because I cook literally every day now. I've learned tons of new dishes and am a whiz at serving and cleaning.
Too bad no one bothers to tip me for the effort.
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