Put Your Best Foot Forward

Everyone knows how to do a job interview. The same rules apply basically everywhere. Dress appropriately, have a couple of stock stories ready, prepare a few questions you want to ask, decide how to build yourself up, what to keep quiet about, how much you're willing to work for, and when. Smile big when you shake hands, don't cross your arms, don't talk too much, don't fidget, don't lie, be yourself. The rest you play by ear.

I have been on a million interviews. Back home, if I got an interview, I considered myself pretty much in. They've had tons of applicants, I've made it to the top ten or so, now all I have to do is go there and shine. No big deal. I can't think of a single--not even one!--interview on which I've gone and not walked away with the job.

Until I came here, that is. In the last three months I have been on four interviews and had two trials, and still don't have a job. What is this, New York City?

Statistically speaking, although I pay about €240 rather than $2400 for my shoebox of an apartment, the number of applicants per job in Berlin rivals that in the Big Apple. London is seeing even worse rates of unemployment. Which explains why I can interview for jobs that a monkey can do and still fail to get them.

I have interviewed for jobs in department stores, offices, coffee shops, cafes, bistros, head shops, fruit stands, etc. in North America and landed them all. I think managers everywhere must be part of some secret Masonic society, because regardless of what kind of job it is they seem to ask all the same questions. They want to know what your favorite and least favorite jobs were, how you handle stress, a story about a bad experience you had at work, how punctual you are, what sort of things you do in your spare time, where you see yourself in five years, why you want this job, how long you want to stay. Standard.

Here, though, not so much. In (almost) every interview I've gone on--whether I got the job or not--the interviewer starts off with, "So. Tell me about yourself."

When you're an expat in a foreign land, you generally have an answer to this question that sets you apart from the other applicants, although it hardly needs saying that it becomes exponentially more difficult when your command of the dominant language is mediocre at best.

I will now describe today's interview in Shakespearian format (as if I know what that is).

Enter Odessa. After a quick glance around, she spots two young men, both of whom are looking at her expectantly. Neither says a word. She asks if one is Chris, he shakes his head. Presumably, the other is Chris. He shrugs, limply accepts her proffered hand. The other man accepts the hand with an amused smile.

Odessa: So! Hallo!
Chris: Yes, hallo...
Odessa: Turning to other man Hallo! Good morning!
Other man: Nods
Odessa: waits a couple of seconds for a return greeting or question
Chris: Breathes
Odessa: Brightly All right!
Chris: So... how is your German?
Odessa: Laughs Well, some days it's better than others. Other Man appears amused
Chris: OK. What do you do?
Odessa: Well, professionally I'm an English teacher, but I actually am taking some time off from that so I can improve my German! Laughs as if intimating a private joke; Other Man appears amused, Chris appears to have the personality of a salamander
Chris: Do you have _______, _______, ________, etc etc [technical requirements]
Odessa: Yes, No, Yes, Yes
Chris: Do you have any other jobs?
Odessa: Nope
Chris: So you're pretty much always free?
Odessa: Yep
Chris: Because we want someone who can work at least three days a week.
Odessa: OK
Chris: It's a fast-paced, high-stress job. That's not a problem for you?
Odessa: Nope, not at all.
Chris: Well, that was it takes Polaroid We have so many people you know, I just have to have a face to put with a name
Odessa: Haha
Chris: If I want to hire you I will call you next week. Goodbye
Odessa: OK, have a nice day! Shakes hands

Exit Odessa

When I walked into the place, I was confident and relaxed, like in the picture above. But by the end of it I was looking more like thisThese guys sure know how to put a girl at ease. //end sarcasm// Everyone knows that the #1 Interview No-No is talking too damn much. But when you're sitting across from a reticent gay man who appears to be allergic to verbal communication and is looking at you as if you were of a strange yet wholly unremarkable species of insect, who's to know what's too much? I was afraid of offending his delicate sensibilities. I get the feeling that working with him is like working with a feral cat and pot of nitroglycerine. Make one wrong move and it's all over. This guy knows absolutely nothing about me, yet my immediate fate could lie in his hands. Who wants a boss who has no idea who you are, and worse, isn't even interested in finding out?

Hopefully Monday's interview goes a bit smoother.