Everyone's an Expert

A lot of times when I'm wandering through this strange Super Mario phase called "my life", I tend to think out loud. "It sure would be nice to find this or that thing", or "I should probably see a doctor about xyz", or "I heard that this or that band is coming to town", and so on and so forth. Most of the time the Luigis and Goombas of my world either nod, ignore me, or respond, "yeah I've been looking for one too, I saw an ad online" or "such-and-such is a good website for that, I found a great doctor through them" or "that's so-and-so's favorite band, he'll be so excited".

Then you have the name-droppers.

The people who can get you in any door, a lower price on any object, a superior service or product, faster/bigger/better this-that-or-the-other thing, if you just mention their names.

Example 1

Person A: "I'm thinking of going to White Trash tomorrow for a burger and a beer." (fairly straightforward activity, requires no outside assistance)

Pathetic Name-Dropper: "Oh my god the servers there are so fucking rude but if you find Wally, he runs the place, he's an American? We used to snort coke together, back when I traveled with his band. Say hi to him for me and tell him you want to sit at table 46, you get the best view of the stage and you're right next to the bar so you never have to wait more than two minutes for a drink." (forget that Wally is busy working and doesn't give two shits if you're his grandmother, you're going to get seated where he has space, and the burger/beer is going to taste/cost the same one way or the other, withouth involving a complete cokehead stranger)

Example 2

Person A: "I need a new tattoo."

PND: (without bothering to ask what kind, how big, on which part of the body) "Go down to Flaming Hearts and tell Johnny I said hi, he'll give you one for free. He still owes me from that time I washed all of his dishes after a live-band kegger at his house."

Person A: "You really think he's going to give me a free tattoo... a tattoo that could cost hundreds of dollars... because you washed up some cups? Don't you think he'd rather spend that time, you know, making money?"

PND: (eyes glaze over)

Example 3

Person A: "I hear Copenhagen is lovely in the spring, I might go up for a weekend."

PND: "Oh! I have a friend there! Let me call her up, I'm sure you can stay at her place, she'll show you around, I'll arrange everything."

Person A: "Um... That's OK... I was sort of just thinking I'd stay in a hostel and walk around the city a bit with a map or something." (not to mention how creepy, awkward, and inconvenient it would be to sleep in the home of a stranger to which you have no key)

PND: "You haaaaaaaaaave to see it through the eyes of a local, though! Oh and you absolutely must go to Museum X, on Boat Trip Y, and to Nightclub Z! You and so-and-so can meet up for lunch and drinks and then she'll show you around."

Person A: "Really, that's not necessary. I'll be fine, but thanks for the offer."

PND: (desperate now) "It's no bother! Don't worry, I'll make sure to meddle in your trip in every way shape and form, thus depriving you of any choice in the matter whatsoever!"

Person A: "Good day."

PND: (sobbing) "Please!!!"

Person A: "I said GOOD DAY!"

And God forbid you should ever let it slip to PND that you like music or know how to read. PND will always have a laundry list of bands you ABSOLUTELY MUST LISTEN TO RIGHT FUCKING NOW or books that anyone who considers themselves a modern intellectual (but what if we don't?) has read. Nothing is going to get you out of having to endure a book or band that PND has decided you must read or listen to. Just pretend to be tone-deaf and illiterate; it will save you a heap of time reading and listening to shit in which you have zero interest.

I know that people are just "trying to help". And it's not that I dislike recommendations, suggestions or tips. I think it's grand that you've been there before and can tell me that this or that thing is overrated or overpriced. What I don't really understand is why you believe that my tastes and preferences will be exactly the same as yours. As a matter of fact, my tastes and preferences differ wildly from those of even my closest friends and relatives. I like to do my shit, my way, which is why I like traveling and shopping alone.

No matter. Helpfulness is always well-meant. But when the offer of the "help" suddenly and mysteriously becomes a catalyst for all your name-dropping stories, I begin to question your motives. Not that at 27 years old I would ever DARE walk into an establishment, any establishment, and say, "Hi there, my name is Odessa, you've never met me but I was wondering if I could just sort of wander around backstage/in your kitchen/drive your car/have something for free? I am the acquaintance of an acquaintance of yours--we might as well be related by blood." I don't think so.

Furthermore, PNDs often neglect to ask you if you've got a plan of your own. You could have a thing fairly figured out when PND decides to rearrange everything for you according to their past experiences, but that doesn't matter. PND knows what's best for you because she knows what's best for her and if that's not what's best for everybody then what is the world coming to, anyway?

Sometimes I think I should just keep my mouth shut. But the good thing about PNDs is that they tend to give themselves away fairly quickly, having recommendations for everything that you don't need help choosing, like tampons, radio stations, and books. Sigh... it makes you wonder who the people are who really do benefit from this guidance...?