Social Drinking is For Grammas

I caught up with some friends the other day and three out of three of them were already drunk. Besides the fact that I'd sort of promised myself to stay dry that evening, it was basically too late to start. Laura was five beers down, Cookie and Graham were down a litre of cheap 13% wine EACH, it was simply too late. I would never catch up. I sat there sober, then later had to hear that there was a "weird vibe" and that it was "awkward" because of... me. Due to my "extreme" sobriety during which I still managed to crack jokes and fake sumo-wrestle the 'Stoph.

Telling this story to Andrea a couple of days later, she agreed that it's kind of shitty to hold someone responsible for not being wasted at seven o'clock in the afternoon, but she had a solution for next time: just drink two beers, and then go home.

I want to illustrate for you now another scenario. You walk into a bar, sit down. The place is full of regulars, half of them are friends. Now you're not particularly thirsty and you don't really find the burn of vodka down your throat theee most pleasant sensation. Beer doesn't burn but you're not especially hungry, and you know that after you drink one, you'll feel as full as if you had eaten a meal. Wine is nice if it's nice, but as you're in your favorite dive bar, it's probably not that nice. So what do you do? Order a coke? Why on earth would you go to a bar, sit down and order a coke? Go to the store, buy a coke, go sit on the beach and enjoy. The (sober) end.

No, no, no. If you're like me then everything you drink serves a purpose. In the regular course of my life I drink a very limited number of beverages, but all of them have their functions. To get high, jittery and talkative, I drink coffee or large amounts of black tea. To chill out in the evenings I drink green tea. To quench thirst/not die I drink water. To get drunk, giggle a lot and do, with relative impunity, things that I oughtn't, I drink wine/beer/spirits.

I've never really understood the concept of "social" drinking, when used in the context of drinking alcohol to be social, and not to get drunk. Social cooking, social eating, social camping, social canoeing, social shopping, these are all things you were going to do anyway so why not share them with a friend? But "social drinking"? Well no actually I wasn't planning on drinking this beer until the evening because then I am free to get drunk, in the meantime, would you like to drink some social water with me?

I mean, of course, you don't have to get disgustingly, asshole-bent-over-a-public-toilet-and-crying wasted every time you drink. Andrea is a tiny little girl so maybe two beers makes her tipsy. I myself don't really see the point in drinking two beers. For the calories wasted in two large German beers I could eat a portion of french fries or a two slices of pizza. I would WAY rather have some pizza than drink two big bloaty beers and feel a little fuzzy in my brain.

When you're in your twenties, drinking is for adventures! Drink a few and ride the train! Knock back a couple and play pool! Swig a bit then trespass on government property! Sip some sizzurp and talk to strangers! Get a li'l dreezy and play kick the can for miles! Steal shopping carts and push your friends around in them! Tear around a playground! Dance! Wrestle! Argue! Cook! Explore, run, jump, skip! Use it to celebrate, use it to commiserate! The possibilities are endless! Get drunk and do all the shit you usually do, except with poorer judgment (and way more fun)!

"Having a glass of sherry with dinner" is for boring old motherfuckers who get laid once a month. I say, let your inner drunk out. Don't pretend that you like the taste of six-year-old grape juice. I call bullshit. There is a reason you drink the first glass to the bottom, and why you accept the second glass, and the third, and so on. And it has nothing to do with the frooty bookay.

I hope I am drinking and yukking it up way past the age that that kind of behavior looks cute. There's nothing so heartwarming as a tableful of middle-aged biddies drinking and cursing and swaying out of rhythm to the jukebox. I'm not even being sarcastic. Those broads are doing it, not pretending that they're not doing it.

In conclusion: if you use alcohol in order to be social... does that mean maybe that you weren't all that social to begin with? Social is social, drunk is drunk. There is a difference.